Naruto ,The Real Me
by Niveous Lilt
Summary: a Parody making fun of fanfics. Don't hurt me!


**Naruto-The Real Me**

**Disclaimer: don't own don't sue. Rated pg-13 for language.**

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In the early morning sunrise of konoha one could hear birds chirping over distant hills. In another place not too far away Naruto stood in his bedroom, the walls and floors covered in dried up blood and semen from the many times he had been raped and beaten by the villagers.

Naruto rolled his eyes as the first rays of sun began to peek through his window. Because you know what? Naruto was tired. He was tired of always pretending to be happy, and my god how he hated ramen. It was all wet and…and…**noodley. **He only ate it because the village didn't pay him for any of his missions. So he had to sell his body on the street just to make the five dollars it took to buy 50 packs of beef flavored ramen, because I guess he just didn't see the millions of other flavors they had stocking the shelf.

Naruto dressed slowly, instead of his usual loud jumpsuit he reached deep in his closet for a long sleeved black shirt, and some black cargos, which coincidently he had bought instead of furniture. He grinned a little to himself when he noticed the long sleeves covered all the Emo cuts he had made up and down his arms.

Naruto laughed again, louder and more hysterical. Minutes passed and then he realized that -le gasp- he was late for training. Oh no! and using magical charka jutsus that nobody knew he had until now, he jumped to the training grounds with purple flames covering his feet.

With a whoosh he arrived and smiled at Sakura, and then all in one moment he realized that he didn't really like her. Oh no, not Sakura with her big head and Clashing red dress. All those years of vying for her affection must have been some bad shrimp, oh wait he doesn't eat shrimp. My bad. He realized that he really loved Sasuke. Yes, dark Emo brooding Sasuke . Sasuke, who hated the sun for shining too bright, Sasuke who was a gay asshole who apparently loved tomatoes and hated sweets. Sasuke. Yes that Sasuke.

"Sakura shut up!" Naruto yelled at Sakura, Who had been chatting this entire time as Naruto thought about his adoration of his dark haired teammate. He took a deep breath and continued.

"I'm so tired of you and I never ever liked you.!"

Sakura who was shocked and kind of frightened because she was just asking Naruto if he was hot and wanted some water. She stepped back slowly, hands out in front of her warily.

"What's wrong with you Naruto?. You're scaring me" she whimpered slightly and cast a "wtf" look at Sasuke who just shrugged and went back to brooding.

"WHY THEY FUCK IS IT ALWAYS ABOUT SASUKE???? SASUKE THIS AND SASUKE THAT! FUCK MOTHER FUCKING SASUKE. I AM NOT A MONSTER!"

Naruto clutched his head and fell to his knees, obviously having some kind of weird flashback from his troubled childhood. It was then that Naruto knew that he was just like Gaara and that he could never sleep again to stop Kyuubi from taking over the worlds! MWAHAHAHAHA!

In another 'whoosh' Naruto was gone leaving a confused Sakura and a Emo Sasuke. By mere coincidence Kakashi arrived just as everything ended and proceeded to shower love onto Sasuke and only Sasuke because he was his favorite student. He sent Sakura home and he and Sasuke trained together. Alone.

2 hours later a thought struck Sasuke in the head ,which was actually an acorn thrown by an angry squirrel.

"I love Naruto" he said aloud, because thinking to yourself is overrated and who does shit like that anyway?.

"All that mean shit and ignoring I did to Naruto was my way of trying to deal with all the love I have for him. I think I love him so much …that I don't even want to kill Itachi anymore! Even though I spent years planning his murder and death! Oh sweet love how you've changed me so"

Sasuke transported himself to the Naruto's apartment building and ninja'ed himself into Naruto house. He noticed with a sadness that Naruto's walls were covering in blood and semen -as I mentioned earlier-. Sasuke knew it was blood and semen because he used to be raped by Itachi ,which is the real reason why Sasuke was so angry at him.

Sasuke smelled the sweet metallic scent of blood and followed a trial to the bathroom, there sat Naruto, his wrists bleeding and passed out on his knees. Kyuubi was refusing to heal him because he wanted his host to die which in turn would kill him, but I guess Kyuubi(who has lived thousands of years) jut plain forgot. oops Sasuke panicked and took him to the hospital where Naruto was placed in ICU.

Sasuke ended up sleeping in a chair that was placed by Naruto's bed. When Sakura walked in to visit Naruto, Sasuke yelled at her to "stop fucking trying to break them up". Now, Sakura was really scared because she had just brought Naruto some flowers and was going to place them on the bedside when Sasuke threw her out. It was then Sakura decided that she was a lesbian an wanted Ino instead. woo!

When Naruto awoke from his coma, -only 6 hours from the first scene- he was greeted by a loving kiss by Sasuke and was told that he was pregnant because Kyuubi had pulled some strings and changed his dick to a vagina. Now they could really continue the Uchiha line, but only after they got married and Naruto was given the title of hokage, becoming the youngest hokage in history at only 15 years old.

Naruto and Sasuke had a spring wedding, itachi showed up and apologized for raping Sasuke and the whole killing the family thing and was welcome with open arms. He was even made ANBU captain, which made Sasuke happier then ever, to finally have his brother back. My, what an exciting day.

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I was tired of reading my fics and other fics and finding stories like these. We really need to be more practical. I'm going to stop bashing Sakura, because although she is not real she is a nice person who isn't **that **mean to Naruto.

ps: Still a Sasu/Naru fan!


End file.
